


Permanent Solutions For Temporary Problems

by TaekwonDodos



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Beating, Best Friends, Boyfriends, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Cackling like a maniac, Evil Alexander Pierce, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Phone Calls & Telephones, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Quiet bucky barnes, Quote: I'm with you 'til the end of the line, Skinny Steve but not as skinny as in TFA, Steve isn't playing around, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Teenagers, This isn't the way to go, This one comes from personal thoughts and feelings from the author, WS Bucky but not as beefy as CW and no metal arm or prosthetic, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, You will be okay, failed suicide, i believe in you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-11-16 04:03:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11245917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaekwonDodos/pseuds/TaekwonDodos
Summary: Steve gets a phone call from Bucky, and is horrified to find out he just tried to kill himself, but failed.





	Permanent Solutions For Temporary Problems

**Author's Note:**

> Some of Bucky's dialogue in this one, will be past and present feelings that I've had myself with thinking about suicide. I thought about it a lot a few years back, and I still thinking about it now. No one else knows these feelings really, except for my brother. And for anyone else who are having these same thoughts and feelings, I am so SO sorry you have gotten to a point where you've thought about it, or have attempted and failed. And my heart goes out to all those who have succeeded and are no longer present in the world. But suicide is not a good option, it's usually a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 
> 
> And if you are have these feelings PLEASE talk to someone about it, someone you know you can really trust it with, and if you can't find a way to talk about it, write your thoughts and feelings down, find some good way to get those feelings out. But if you still think about doing it, call a hotline and talk with someone if you can't trust your feelings with someone you know or already trust. Because bottling all those feelings in until you explode, will not help. I guess I'm a Hypocrite, cause that's how I've handled my feelings, and still do, and I'm afraid to talk to anyone about it. And PLEASE report ANY FORM OF ABUSE IF YOU'RE GOING THROUGH IT, PLEASE. But don't be like me, and if anyone out there needs someone to talk to, you can talk to me, I don't bite <3 <3 <3\. Love you guys, take care of yourselves <3 <3 <3.

Steve almost didn't hear his phone ring. He quickly realized it was back in his room, while he was in the kitchen. By the time he bounded up the stairs to his room and grabbed it off his bed, he had 4 missed calls from Bucky.

He muttered "Shit" and was about to call him, Bucky called again. He quickly answered. 

"Hey Buck I'm here, Sorry I didn't realise I left my phone in my room. What's up, are you okay?" 

There was silence on the other end. After a few minutes he started to get worried, and that's when he could hear the faint sound of laughing on the other line. Then he heard "Hey Stevie.." And the laughing got louder. 

Steve raised an eyebrow and let out a nervous chuckle. He asked "What's uh, what's so funny, Buck?"

Bucky continued to laugh on the other end, but finally managed to get out "You won't...You won't fuckin' believe what just...What just happened!"

Steve said "Buck, you're starting to scare me, what happened?" 

After a few minutes Bucky managed to calm his laughter down to some giggling, and he said "I just...I just tried to hang myself!"

Steve's eyes went wide and he asked "What?! Oh my God Bucky, why would you do that?! Are you okay?!" 

Bucky's giggling then died down and he quietly said "I thought I could do it...Almost got it, but the rope fuckin' broke on me, and my ass kinda hurts from landing on the ground...After that I spent 20 minutes laughing my ass off...My chest hurts now.." And the laughter started again, but not as much. 

 _Jesus Christ, I better get over there_ , he thought. Then Bucky asked "Can you...Can you come over? Pierce is gone, he won't be back for a few days.."

Steve nodded and said "Yeah...Yeah, I can come over. Just don't do anything, alright? I'll be there as quick as possible." 

Bucky sighed and said "Okay...Hey Stevie?"

Steve quickly pulled on his shoes and asked "Hmm?"

The other line went quiet for a minute and then Bucky asked "I love you...Ya know that, don't you?"

Steve smiled a little and said "I know, Buck. I love you too..." He felt tears in his eyes at the thought of Bucky hurting himself, and he asked "Ya know that, don't you?"

Bucky said "If you do, I don't think I deserve it...You're a special little guy...Are you leaving now?"

The blond turned off his bedroom light and grabbed his keys and his wallet. He said "Yeah Buck, I'm almost out of the house. Don't do anything, okay?"

The brunette said "I know, Baby...I' see ya soon, okay?"

Steve said "Yeah, I'll see ya. Bye Jerk."

Bucky chuckled and said "Bye Punk." And they hung up. Oh Bucky was gonna get it when Steve gets there.

[=]

He didn't think he could go any faster. He's surprised he didn't get stopped by a cop or something for speeding. Bucky's house felt farther away, even if he wasn't.

Once he pulled into the driveway, he quickly parked and killed the enging and got out. He stopped when he saw the brunette standing there, arms folded over his chest. He was looking at Steve like a dog in trouble, and was about to get it, which he was.

Bucky swallowed as Steve quickly moved towards him and said "Look Stevie-"

Steve cut him off and pointed towards the house. He said "Get inside, _James._ Get inside, _right fucking now._ " Steve never calls him James unless he's in trouble. He was trying to keep it together, cause he was trying not to cry on his way here. Bucky sighed and turned before walking inside, Steve following behind him.

[=]

As soon as the door shut behind Steve, Bucky said "Look Stevie please-"

Steve cut him off by pulling the brunette in a desperate hug. He hugged him as tight as he could, and he buried his face in the crook of his neck. The older boy slowly hugged him back and they didn't break for a few minutes. But then Steve shoved him off of him and asked "What the fuck were you thinking, Bucky?! How could you do that to me, how could you do that to yourself?! You scared the shit out of me, I nearly had a damn asthma attack coming here!"

Bucky said "Stevie-"

Steve pointed at him and said "Don't you _ever_ do that again, you hear me? I'm not fuckin' playin' around James Buchanan's Barnes, you try and do anything like that again, so help me God, I will kick your ass! Now why?? Why would you try and kill yourself??"

Steve was crying again, and he was trying to keep his breathing under control. He sat down on the couch and hunched over, holding his head in his hands as he cried. He felt the couch dip beside him, and felt Bucky's hand on his back. He slowly rubbed it and the brunette quietly said "M'sorry Stevie...I'm so fuckin' sorry..."

Steve asked "You're really fuckin' selfish for tryin' that shit, you know that?? You got friends who love you, I love you, your Uncle loves you-"

"That fucker Pierce is a piece of shit, Steve...You got no idea..."

Steve looked over at him confused and asked "What do you mean?" And saw there were tears in those grey skies he's loved since they were kids. He watched the brunettes jaw clench. Steve sat up a little bit and asked "Bucky, what do you mean by that?"

Bucky sighed and rubbed his eyes. He asked "Remember when I'd tell you he'd be off on business trips? Well those were bullshit...He got laid off almost a year ago. We've been livin' off Welfare, and I hide all the money I get from my checks at work. He's a piece of shit Stevie, you don't even know..."

Steve's crying died down when he hears the way the brunette's voice wavered at that last part. He swallowed and after a minute or so, he asked "Bucky, what has he done to you?" 

The brunette held his eyes for a minute, but then looked down, hanging his head. Then he slowly stood up and pulled his shirt off, his back facing the blondes. Steve gasped and covered his mouth, his eyes widening at the condition of his boyfriends back. 

There were bruises almost all over it. Some looked like they were almost healed, and some were fresh. Scars littered his otherwise flawless skin, and Steve could practically hear his heart breaking into millions of pieces. 

He slowly stood up and said "Oh my God..." 

Bucky looked over his shoulder a little bit and asked "Ever wonder why I'd never take my shirt off around you? How every time you've tried, I said no? Well, here it is...Now you know."

The blonde remembers. How nervous Bucky would get if they'd go swimming with their friends and he'd refuse to go in, or at least take his shirt off. All the make out sessions they's have where as soon as Steve would get his hands under his shirt and try to push it up, Bucky's demeanor would change from his usual happy, confident self, to like a scared puppy. 

He pulled his shirt back on, and turned until he was facing Steve. He looked down and said "M'sorry.."

Steve shook his head and looked back up at his face. He asked "How long?"

Bucky swallowed and said "Since he got laid off...He'd drink and then say it's all my fault...I just couldn't take it anymore, Stevie. I thought if I did, it would stop...But I didn't think the rope would break..."

Steve stepped closer to him and gently made him look at him. He asked "You could've told me, you know you can trust me with anything Buck, wy didn't you say anything?? You have any idea-" he stopped and looked down. He felt the tears coming again and looked back up. He asked "You got any idea what could've happened if you never called me, or if the rope didn't break, or if I came here and found you...I don't know what I'd do...I can't have that, I don't ever want that, you're such an idiot Buck, don't ever scare me like that again." And pulled him into another hug. This time, Steve didn't shove him away. 

[=]

They hugged for a long time. Bucky held the blond tight in his arms, apologizing for being so stupid over and over.

Then they sat in silence on the couch for awhile. Steve was curled up next to Bucky, his head resting on the brunettes shoulder. Bucky had his arm wrapped around the younger boy and then finally spoke. 

"I guess theses feelings started soon after my parents died.." Steve looked up at his face and Bucky continued. "It was hard...It was really fuckin' hard, Stevie. I cried myself to sleep so much, or cried at the most random moments. I tried to hide it and not let anyone see it, and I thought that was a good thing. 

I didn't know Pierce that much, even if he's my Uncle...Felt like I was movin' in with a total stranger, but I didn't have anyone else who lived close by, and I didn't wanna leave you...

Have you ever felt like there's so much weight pressing down on you, you're just waiting for it to kill you? I feel that all the time. Guilt. Hurt. Shit like that...I mean the last time I saw Ma and Dad, we were fighting over something so stupid. Then they're gone, and I feel like it's my fault. That they died thinking I hated them, but I don't..."

Steve softly said "Buck...You know what happened to them wasn't your fault.."

Bucky nodded and croaked out "Yeah...But that doesn't really make me feel any better, does it?...I'm a horrible liar, but I've somehow managed to hide everything from everyone. That piece of shit doesn't beat me anywhere else, or that often, cause he knows someone could see, somehow...But I can't _describe_ to you, how I feel...From the moment I wake up, to the minute I close my eyes at night. 

I've thought a lot about all the ways I could do it, Stevie...Hangin' myself, blowin' my head off...Jumpin' off a building or a bridge, swallowin' bunch of his pills...Jumpin' out of the car while it's movin', and get hit by a Semi, play the blood Violin with my wrists...I've thought of all the ways I could do it, and more.

I just...I feel so worthless. Pierce reminds me of it every minute I'm trapped here with him. I'm stronger than he is, but I'm too afraid to fight him. Even thinking about you doesn't always help, and you're all I really got left, Stevie...He said no one would ever love me. No one would ever want me, and he said you would leave me one day when you realize how worthless I am...He said everyone will leave me, and that scares me more than anythin' else.."

He started crying, and Steve was trying to keep it together. As Bucky hunched over and cried into his hands, Steve carefully hugged him the best he could in that position. Steve shook his head and said "That's not true, Buck. Your friends love you...Fuck Barnes, you know I love you too...I'd never leave you, and you're not worthless. But if you kill yourself, he'd win. You want that? You want that bastard to win, Buck?"

The brunette shook his head and said "No.." 

Steve nodded and sniffled. He said "Okay...So you gotta keep fighting and don't let him win, alright? We're almost done with school, and when we're done, it could be just you and me, okay? You and me Buck, we could go anywhere we want, and not take shit from anyone. You hear me?"

The brunette slowly looked up at him, tears staining his beautiful face. He asked "You...You really mean that?" 

Steve smiled and laughed despite his tears and said "Course I do, Ya Jerk...You know I do. I'm with you till the end of the line, remember?" 

Bucky nodded and smiled a little. He said "Yeah, I know..." He leaned in and kissed the blonds lips. He said "I love you...You Punk." 

Steve smiled and kissed him back before saying "Love you too, Jerk."

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so note my parents are not dead, but I've had a lot of guilt and pain that I've kept bottles up, a lot of mistakes, stuff like that...I've had a lot of things bottled up for a very long time, and let's just say I got a sneak peek at how cruel life can be at a very young age where it's not all rainbows and sunshine like any kid might think it is..


End file.
